In Between

I often feel as if your twenties are an in between age, at least for me they are. You are just starting your career, trying to make a name for yourself, in my circumstances you are just getting married, trying to establish a good foundation for a long marriage, you have a longing to be a mother but know that the timing isnt right. Where is it that you belong? I feel myself being pulled in so many directions and not sure which one is the right path. I am passionate about my career more than I ever imagined and with graduate school right around the corner I am excited at the possibilities that lie ahead of me. But then I wonder what is the right direction for me to take, will I just know. I also have this sense that God is calling me to do work in my community and internationally to use my gifts to help those around me. And at the same time I have this sense of calling to motherhood, to have a sweet baby that is a gift from God and something that has so much of my husband and I all in one. How do you know which way to go? How do you know which to do first? I know I want to finish school and pursue my career longer before we have children but do I pursue the mission work now or later in life? This is such an in between stage for me because the decisions I make the next few years will determine which path my life takes. I believe at this time I must listen very closely to what God wants for my life. Sometimes I think we listen to what we want to hear and not to what God is telling us. I am excited for what my life has in store and for what plan God has for my life.

Happy

Well after some change in my outlook on life and the way I respond to things I can say for the first time in a very very long time I am completely and utterly content with my life. For most of my life, up until about three years ago, I only knew contentment. I was the person who just rolled with the punches. When life threw me a curve ball I learned how to catch it and chalked it up to being part of life. About three years ago my life was seriously shaken and I didnt quite know how to roll with it. Everyone around me was deeply affected by what was happening so I just sucked it up and tried my best to handle it. At the time it was the only way I could cope with the tragedy that engulfed my life. Looking back it created a tragedy all in itself. I was shut off, depressed, anxious, and I didnt know how to feel anything, not love, not happiness, not completely at least. Even after the pain subsided I didnt know how to open back up completely, I was scared of feeling that kind of pain again. I have really been doing a lot of self reflection lately, something I have been avoiding for quite some time; I was fearful of what I might discover. It turns out that what I discovered was not bad at all and it may have saved me from just running through life and not living it. I have learned that although I am very different that I was three years ago that is ok. Sometimes things happen in life that change you, this doesnt have to be a bad thing. I kept trying to get back to that person I was at 15 and maybe I am not supposed to be that person anymore. I think when you are really young you are carefree and silly because there isnt anything to worry about; well in most circumstances. I have grown up a lot since then and my personality changes reflect that. I am learning to embrace these new changes and to work on the changes that have been the after math of fear. I dont want to react to every situation that is thrown at me and although this takes a lot of work I am pushing through it. Things that used to make me freak out I have learned to talk myself through and in the end find out they really werent that big of a deal. Overall I am happy, happier than I have been in such a long time. It is an incredible feeling for me because I never thought I would get back to this point, not at this level anyways. So here's to days full of contentment and living life not just coasting by.

Wake Up

For as long as I can remember I have planned my whole life out, to the very last detail. Once I knew what I wanted to do with my life I had this plan of how long it would take to accomplish it. For a long time there wasnt ever a problem with my need to plan everything but some where along the way I took a serious turn for obsessive compulsive town. My need to plan every little detail began to control my life and when my plans had a bump or a sharp turn I panicked. It was like I couldnt live my life anymore. I had all these thoughts racing through my head about how long it would take to get this done and at what age I should be doing this. I think I always knew the way I was living was wrong but I couldnt admit it, not to me not to anyone. A good friend of mine finally stepped up to the plate and took a risk in telling me the truth. She hit the nail right on the head. I wasnt even living my life because I was planning every detail and then when my plans went ary I went into panic. She asked me when the last time I had a weekend with out plans was, sadly I couldnt even remember. As we talked further we discussed making a bucket list and working through that, just enjoying life day by day. She said dont make goals just write down things you want to do. I thought about the bucket list I had made a month or so ago and realized that most of it was goal oriented. Now dont get me wrong I think it is imperative to set goals for yourself and stick to them, but you have to learn not to get so wrapped up in the goals that you forget to live your life. I have missed out on so much of living because I was planning the date we would start to try having babies or how fast I could finish graduate school. I realize now I just have to let these things happen. When we are ready for kids we are ready, I dont have to plan the date. If I dont finish graduate school in the four semesters because I am working full time as well it is ok. From now on I am learning to be spontaneous and to not analyze every idea that runs through my head and plan it down to the last second. I realize this will take time but this was my wake up call and I feel I am on the right path now.

When?

I have been working on my anxiety issues a lot lately. Listening to books on tape and trying different methods of how to not get anxious over just about anything. I think my anxiety bothers me most because I have never been like this before..but isnt that how it starts for most people? As children we live in this world of nothing bad can ever happen and we arent afraid of anything..mainly because we dont know we are supposed to be. I lived in this world most of my life, I had no fears. But then something happened and it was like over night I suddenly became scared of everything. I keep trying to think of what occurred in my life to cause this to happen and I cant seem to pin point it. I know when it got worse but not when it started. As I listen to my book on tape on dealing with anxiety I long to go back to the carefree spirit I once had where nothing scared me. It seems I dont know how to get back there. At that point in my life nothing had occurred to make me fearful of anything, these days much has occurred to make me fearful. I tell myself I am going to do this, I am not going to be scared and this little voice pops into my head of all the reasons I should be scared and the anxiety starts all over again. I think part of this never ending anxiety is a defense mechanism..if I get scared enough not to do it then I dont have to worry about what might happen if I do do it. But the problem with that is that the outcome may not be bad, it may be good. So essentially I could be missing out on something incredible. I am determined to try and conquer this fear slowly. I will start to be the carefree, go with the flow person I used to love. I must constantly remind myself that this will take time and if I fall down now and then its ok, I just have to get up and try again.

My Bucket List

It seems that there has been a great deal of tragedy in my life these last few years, more than anyone should have to deal with in such a short span of time. Instead of dwelling on it as I feel I have been for the last several years and being scared of the future and what it holds I have decided to jump in full force and begin to accomplish things I have always wanted to do. I have begun the process of making a bucket list, some of these things haven been on my list for a while and others I just add as I think of them. Here goes in no particular order...
1. Run a 5k (I am doing this in August)
2. Get a tattoo
3. Travel to: France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Ireland, and all over the United States with Ryan
4. Camp out West
5.Finish graduate school
6.Run a half marathon
7.Write a book
8.Ride rollercoasters with Ryan(This sounds silly, but I have obtained this irrational fear of riding rollercoasters and I am determined to get over it)
9. Have a family
10. Become a licensed clinical social worker
11. Do mission work locally and internationally
That's all for now, but I have been adding to this weekly so I am sure the list will only continue to grow

If You Knew

I have often thought that if I knew how my life would end up would I change things. If I knew that my grandfather would die unexpectedly followed by the uncle I admired most of my life followed by my other grandfather's unexpected death, would I change things. Would I not be so close to them in hopes of decreasing the pain their deaths would cause or would I be even closer to them still knowing how bad it would hurt. I think I would choose the latter...Although the pain I feel in loosing them is sometimes unbearable I would experience it every day rather than not knowing them at all. It's special to me that I was so close to them, that I carry a piece of each of them with me. I have the passion from all three of them, the work ethic from all three of them, the laughter from all three of them, and the life lessons they taught me growing up. Grandaddy taught me that life can never be taken too seriously. He was in a prison camp and seperated from his family for many many years and growing up I never ever heard him get angry, he was always laughing and making jokes. I sometimes feel that because my pain is so deep these days I loose sight of that. No matter how bad everything is I know that it will get better and I shouldnt let those feelings control today. Abuelo taught me what it means to be a hard worker and to never ever give up. He was one of the hardest working men I know but he also knew that the money he made was meant to share with those he truly cared about. He paid for each and every one of his grandchildren to go to college or at least a portion of it. I hope to some day be able to be this generous with my grandchildren. My uncle gave me the most special gift of all perhaps with out even knowing it, he believed in me. Growing up I struggled with a lot of things, my weight, my school, and he was always there cheering me on. I longed to tell him when I made A's because the look on his face was all I needed to push on to the next accomplishment. I hope to be that inspirational to my niece or nephews some day. So in answer to the often asked question..would you change it if you knew..no I would do it all the same. The pain is nothing in comparison to the thought of not knowing them or not being the person I am today because of them. So I will cry the tears and feel the pain knowing that I live my life for them every day.

Releasing the Burden

Yesterday at church we were challenged to take 25 minutes of our day to spend with God. During this time we should pray for someone who needs forgiveness. It's often easy to pray for yourself but difficult to pray for others, especially when those others have deeply hurt you. Forgiveness isnt always a happy go lucky experience. Sometimes people respond positively and other times negatively. It is important to remember that God forgives us every day even on the days we hurt him the most. Forgiving someone isnt always about mending relationships but about letting the burden go. You are saying I forgive you for hurting me even if you are not sorry. Think of all the weight we could lift off ourselves if we could learn to forgive one another. I think about my own family and the grudges that are held because someone hurt someone else. I think of how different things could be if we all just forgave and let those burdens go. This week I am challenging myself to spend time with God every morning and pray for those in my life I need to forgive. Who can you forgive? What will it change?

Never Satisfied

I have done a lot of reflecting over the last few years and I have come to realize that I am never content. As a child I always wanted to be older, then things would be great because I could do whatever I wanted. As college came I wanted it to be over so I could get married and start my career. As my career started I couldnt wait to finish graduate school so that I could really start my career and eventually start my family. The pain I have endured these last few years have caused me to want to go back to my childhood where life was simple and the world made sense. My heart is truly broken right now and I am not quite sure how to fit all the pieces back together. I have pretended for so long that everything was ok that it is the only thing I know how to do. I am reading a book called Calm Your Anxious Heart. It is all about living your life for God's purpose and to be content. I began to wonder what is my purpose..what is God calling me to do? The truth is I dont know, I havent really listened. I dont believe that makes me a bad person, it just makes me human. So often we get so wrapped up in our to do lists and wish lists that we forget what our true purpose is here on Earth. This weekend I am challenging myself to listen to God and to learn what his purpose is for my life. Once I have discovered what it is I can learn to be content in today and not look to the future for contentment.

Suffering

As the Easter holiday has come and I gone I cant help but think of the pain and suffering Jesus endured for us. Good Friday has always been an emotional day for me in thinking of what happened and Easter always comes as a day of rejoice. The past few years have been difficult ones for me and for my family. Things happened that we could have never foreseen, hearts were broken, tears cried. This Easter especially I began to think of what Jesus endured, as the song states, to take away the sins of the world. At church Friday I was reminded of something..God wont relent until he has us all. I consider myself a strong Christian, a women of faith so to speak, but as a strong women and person in general it is sometimes difficult to let go of your burdens and just give them to God. I have a lot of burdens, a lot of sorrow, and I hold onto a great deal of it. It weighs me down more than it should, it dampens my spirit, and doesn't allow me to worship God and the life he wants me to live in the way I should. This weekend I did something I should have done a very long time ago...I let it go. I felt a peace wash over me as if God were saying it is going to be ok, I am here to walk with you. I feel the excitement and joy I once had about life. God has given me a passion and a gift to help those around me and if I haven't helped myself how can I expect myself to help others. I now feel I can help others in the way God wants me to. I am excited to see where this new spiritual path takes me. I am ready to help those around me in God's name. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross and for rising from the grave! Sometimes we need a reminder of the pain you endured to know that we don't have to hold onto our sorrows and pain, you can take that away from us.

Life Is Good

Wow! I feel like so much has happened in the last week. Both Ryan and I accepted jobs and are set to start this coming week. I am so excited about what the future has in store for us. Through Ryan's new job I believe we have begun a spiritual journey that I have been seeking for us for quite some time. Finding a church home is a difficult thing to do, but for me it was necessary in starting our life together on the right foot. I have grown so much spiritually these last few years and church was something that had become important to me in a way it never was before. By God's grace the church Ryan landed the job at has been exactly what we have been looking for in a church. I know that great things are going to come of this. I too accepted a position and I start on Tuesday. I am so excited to have landed a position doing what I want to. I really enjoy working with the elderly and this is the perfect stepping stone into a therapy position with this population. Since I put my notice in at my previous job I decided it was time to do things for me instead of for everyone else. This is something I have struggled with since I was a child. I always put everyone else before me, and although this is an endearing quality I believe there is a fine line between not respecting yourself enough to put yourself first and being too selfish and putting yourself first. Over the last week I have really come to terms with what I want out of life. I have finally been able to organize our house and start to work on decorating and completing the house room by room. This has been liberating for me as I have wanted to do this since we moved in but could never seem to find the time. I am learning that you make time for the things that are important. I have completed the office and am now moving on to our bedroom. Doing it room by room helps me to be less overwhelmed. This way little by little the house will be completed. I have also gotten back into my healthy eating and work out routine. Up until the wedding I was eating healthy and working out everyday and it felt great! Unfortunately for me after the wedding we went on a cruise and then returned to all of the holidays. Packing the pounds on was not only easy but inevitable. After about a month of on again off again I am finally back into a routine and I must say it feels great! I have made goals for myself as I progress. I read in my health magazine that you should set rewards that don't involve food. As obvious as that sounds I used to reward myself with a cookie or going out to eat not even thinking of what I was doing. So this time around I have rewarded myself with things like work out clothes and a bathing suit. I am excited to see where this new journey takes me! I am happier than I have been in a long time and it feels incredible!

Change although Scary isnt always bad

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote. I have been married now for almost four months. It is hard to believe how fast the time has flown by. November although very stressful for me ended with the most incredible event in my life thus far. I married the love of my life and my best friend. Our ceremony symbolized everything our relationship stands for. It was simple yet meaningful, and we were surrounded by all those that are important to us. I think we thought that getting married wouldn't change anything because we have been together for so long, but we were very wrong. It has made me complete in a way that I could never have imagined. There are seldom times when I feel that my choices or my actions are 100 percent correct, but marrying Ryan is the best decision I have ever made.

I also have begun the adventure of starting my career. I accepted the first position I was offered after graduation. It was for a mental health tech at a juvenile delinquent residential facility. As much as I loved it there and the boys I was working with I wasnt getting the professional experience that I needed to advance in my career. I put my notice in and began looking for another job. Today I am going on my second interview with AAA, no not the car company. AAA is the area on aging agency. Their primary goal is to link the elderly and disabled to resources to prevent them from premature nursing home institutionalization and to better their lives overall. I am really excited about this position and the potential it brings to my future. Although I assumed graduating from college would be exhilarating I never imagined how terrifying it would be. For the first time in my life I am completely and utterly on my own. The choices I make effect my life and what kind of future I will have. Although I know that I want to help people and eventually be a therapist it is very difficult to find an entry level job that you love and will be something you love after you complete graduate school. Since graduating I have learned that it is ok to try new things, and its ok if you dont like them. Sometimes I forget that is why I loved this profession so much, it has such a broad range of populations that I have the ability to pick and chose who I work with and know if I dont love it then I can move on to another population to find where I am truly passionate.
Thats all for today......