Happy

Well after some change in my outlook on life and the way I respond to things I can say for the first time in a very very long time I am completely and utterly content with my life. For most of my life, up until about three years ago, I only knew contentment. I was the person who just rolled with the punches. When life threw me a curve ball I learned how to catch it and chalked it up to being part of life. About three years ago my life was seriously shaken and I didnt quite know how to roll with it. Everyone around me was deeply affected by what was happening so I just sucked it up and tried my best to handle it. At the time it was the only way I could cope with the tragedy that engulfed my life. Looking back it created a tragedy all in itself. I was shut off, depressed, anxious, and I didnt know how to feel anything, not love, not happiness, not completely at least. Even after the pain subsided I didnt know how to open back up completely, I was scared of feeling that kind of pain again. I have really been doing a lot of self reflection lately, something I have been avoiding for quite some time; I was fearful of what I might discover. It turns out that what I discovered was not bad at all and it may have saved me from just running through life and not living it. I have learned that although I am very different that I was three years ago that is ok. Sometimes things happen in life that change you, this doesnt have to be a bad thing. I kept trying to get back to that person I was at 15 and maybe I am not supposed to be that person anymore. I think when you are really young you are carefree and silly because there isnt anything to worry about; well in most circumstances. I have grown up a lot since then and my personality changes reflect that. I am learning to embrace these new changes and to work on the changes that have been the after math of fear. I dont want to react to every situation that is thrown at me and although this takes a lot of work I am pushing through it. Things that used to make me freak out I have learned to talk myself through and in the end find out they really werent that big of a deal. Overall I am happy, happier than I have been in such a long time. It is an incredible feeling for me because I never thought I would get back to this point, not at this level anyways. So here's to days full of contentment and living life not just coasting by.