Sunday, July 18, 2010

Wake Up

For as long as I can remember I have planned my whole life out, to the very last detail. Once I knew what I wanted to do with my life I had this plan of how long it would take to accomplish it. For a long time there wasnt ever a problem with my need to plan everything but some where along the way I took a serious turn for obsessive compulsive town. My need to plan every little detail began to control my life and when my plans had a bump or a sharp turn I panicked. It was like I couldnt live my life anymore. I had all these thoughts racing through my head about how long it would take to get this done and at what age I should be doing this. I think I always knew the way I was living was wrong but I couldnt admit it, not to me not to anyone. A good friend of mine finally stepped up to the plate and took a risk in telling me the truth. She hit the nail right on the head. I wasnt even living my life because I was planning every detail and then when my plans went ary I went into panic. She asked me when the last time I had a weekend with out plans was, sadly I couldnt even remember. As we talked further we discussed making a bucket list and working through that, just enjoying life day by day. She said dont make goals just write down things you want to do. I thought about the bucket list I had made a month or so ago and realized that most of it was goal oriented. Now dont get me wrong I think it is imperative to set goals for yourself and stick to them, but you have to learn not to get so wrapped up in the goals that you forget to live your life. I have missed out on so much of living because I was planning the date we would start to try having babies or how fast I could finish graduate school. I realize now I just have to let these things happen. When we are ready for kids we are ready, I dont have to plan the date. If I dont finish graduate school in the four semesters because I am working full time as well it is ok. From now on I am learning to be spontaneous and to not analyze every idea that runs through my head and plan it down to the last second. I realize this will take time but this was my wake up call and I feel I am on the right path now.

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