If You Knew

I have often thought that if I knew how my life would end up would I change things. If I knew that my grandfather would die unexpectedly followed by the uncle I admired most of my life followed by my other grandfather's unexpected death, would I change things. Would I not be so close to them in hopes of decreasing the pain their deaths would cause or would I be even closer to them still knowing how bad it would hurt. I think I would choose the latter...Although the pain I feel in loosing them is sometimes unbearable I would experience it every day rather than not knowing them at all. It's special to me that I was so close to them, that I carry a piece of each of them with me. I have the passion from all three of them, the work ethic from all three of them, the laughter from all three of them, and the life lessons they taught me growing up. Grandaddy taught me that life can never be taken too seriously. He was in a prison camp and seperated from his family for many many years and growing up I never ever heard him get angry, he was always laughing and making jokes. I sometimes feel that because my pain is so deep these days I loose sight of that. No matter how bad everything is I know that it will get better and I shouldnt let those feelings control today. Abuelo taught me what it means to be a hard worker and to never ever give up. He was one of the hardest working men I know but he also knew that the money he made was meant to share with those he truly cared about. He paid for each and every one of his grandchildren to go to college or at least a portion of it. I hope to some day be able to be this generous with my grandchildren. My uncle gave me the most special gift of all perhaps with out even knowing it, he believed in me. Growing up I struggled with a lot of things, my weight, my school, and he was always there cheering me on. I longed to tell him when I made A's because the look on his face was all I needed to push on to the next accomplishment. I hope to be that inspirational to my niece or nephews some day. So in answer to the often asked question..would you change it if you knew..no I would do it all the same. The pain is nothing in comparison to the thought of not knowing them or not being the person I am today because of them. So I will cry the tears and feel the pain knowing that I live my life for them every day.