My Bucket List

It seems that there has been a great deal of tragedy in my life these last few years, more than anyone should have to deal with in such a short span of time. Instead of dwelling on it as I feel I have been for the last several years and being scared of the future and what it holds I have decided to jump in full force and begin to accomplish things I have always wanted to do. I have begun the process of making a bucket list, some of these things haven been on my list for a while and others I just add as I think of them. Here goes in no particular order...
1. Run a 5k (I am doing this in August)
2. Get a tattoo
3. Travel to: France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Ireland, and all over the United States with Ryan
4. Camp out West
5.Finish graduate school
6.Run a half marathon
7.Write a book
8.Ride rollercoasters with Ryan(This sounds silly, but I have obtained this irrational fear of riding rollercoasters and I am determined to get over it)
9. Have a family
10. Become a licensed clinical social worker
11. Do mission work locally and internationally
That's all for now, but I have been adding to this weekly so I am sure the list will only continue to grow

If You Knew

I have often thought that if I knew how my life would end up would I change things. If I knew that my grandfather would die unexpectedly followed by the uncle I admired most of my life followed by my other grandfather's unexpected death, would I change things. Would I not be so close to them in hopes of decreasing the pain their deaths would cause or would I be even closer to them still knowing how bad it would hurt. I think I would choose the latter...Although the pain I feel in loosing them is sometimes unbearable I would experience it every day rather than not knowing them at all. It's special to me that I was so close to them, that I carry a piece of each of them with me. I have the passion from all three of them, the work ethic from all three of them, the laughter from all three of them, and the life lessons they taught me growing up. Grandaddy taught me that life can never be taken too seriously. He was in a prison camp and seperated from his family for many many years and growing up I never ever heard him get angry, he was always laughing and making jokes. I sometimes feel that because my pain is so deep these days I loose sight of that. No matter how bad everything is I know that it will get better and I shouldnt let those feelings control today. Abuelo taught me what it means to be a hard worker and to never ever give up. He was one of the hardest working men I know but he also knew that the money he made was meant to share with those he truly cared about. He paid for each and every one of his grandchildren to go to college or at least a portion of it. I hope to some day be able to be this generous with my grandchildren. My uncle gave me the most special gift of all perhaps with out even knowing it, he believed in me. Growing up I struggled with a lot of things, my weight, my school, and he was always there cheering me on. I longed to tell him when I made A's because the look on his face was all I needed to push on to the next accomplishment. I hope to be that inspirational to my niece or nephews some day. So in answer to the often asked question..would you change it if you knew..no I would do it all the same. The pain is nothing in comparison to the thought of not knowing them or not being the person I am today because of them. So I will cry the tears and feel the pain knowing that I live my life for them every day.

Releasing the Burden

Yesterday at church we were challenged to take 25 minutes of our day to spend with God. During this time we should pray for someone who needs forgiveness. It's often easy to pray for yourself but difficult to pray for others, especially when those others have deeply hurt you. Forgiveness isnt always a happy go lucky experience. Sometimes people respond positively and other times negatively. It is important to remember that God forgives us every day even on the days we hurt him the most. Forgiving someone isnt always about mending relationships but about letting the burden go. You are saying I forgive you for hurting me even if you are not sorry. Think of all the weight we could lift off ourselves if we could learn to forgive one another. I think about my own family and the grudges that are held because someone hurt someone else. I think of how different things could be if we all just forgave and let those burdens go. This week I am challenging myself to spend time with God every morning and pray for those in my life I need to forgive. Who can you forgive? What will it change?

Never Satisfied

I have done a lot of reflecting over the last few years and I have come to realize that I am never content. As a child I always wanted to be older, then things would be great because I could do whatever I wanted. As college came I wanted it to be over so I could get married and start my career. As my career started I couldnt wait to finish graduate school so that I could really start my career and eventually start my family. The pain I have endured these last few years have caused me to want to go back to my childhood where life was simple and the world made sense. My heart is truly broken right now and I am not quite sure how to fit all the pieces back together. I have pretended for so long that everything was ok that it is the only thing I know how to do. I am reading a book called Calm Your Anxious Heart. It is all about living your life for God's purpose and to be content. I began to wonder what is my purpose..what is God calling me to do? The truth is I dont know, I havent really listened. I dont believe that makes me a bad person, it just makes me human. So often we get so wrapped up in our to do lists and wish lists that we forget what our true purpose is here on Earth. This weekend I am challenging myself to listen to God and to learn what his purpose is for my life. Once I have discovered what it is I can learn to be content in today and not look to the future for contentment.