Happy

Well after some change in my outlook on life and the way I respond to things I can say for the first time in a very very long time I am completely and utterly content with my life. For most of my life, up until about three years ago, I only knew contentment. I was the person who just rolled with the punches. When life threw me a curve ball I learned how to catch it and chalked it up to being part of life. About three years ago my life was seriously shaken and I didnt quite know how to roll with it. Everyone around me was deeply affected by what was happening so I just sucked it up and tried my best to handle it. At the time it was the only way I could cope with the tragedy that engulfed my life. Looking back it created a tragedy all in itself. I was shut off, depressed, anxious, and I didnt know how to feel anything, not love, not happiness, not completely at least. Even after the pain subsided I didnt know how to open back up completely, I was scared of feeling that kind of pain again. I have really been doing a lot of self reflection lately, something I have been avoiding for quite some time; I was fearful of what I might discover. It turns out that what I discovered was not bad at all and it may have saved me from just running through life and not living it. I have learned that although I am very different that I was three years ago that is ok. Sometimes things happen in life that change you, this doesnt have to be a bad thing. I kept trying to get back to that person I was at 15 and maybe I am not supposed to be that person anymore. I think when you are really young you are carefree and silly because there isnt anything to worry about; well in most circumstances. I have grown up a lot since then and my personality changes reflect that. I am learning to embrace these new changes and to work on the changes that have been the after math of fear. I dont want to react to every situation that is thrown at me and although this takes a lot of work I am pushing through it. Things that used to make me freak out I have learned to talk myself through and in the end find out they really werent that big of a deal. Overall I am happy, happier than I have been in such a long time. It is an incredible feeling for me because I never thought I would get back to this point, not at this level anyways. So here's to days full of contentment and living life not just coasting by.

Wake Up

For as long as I can remember I have planned my whole life out, to the very last detail. Once I knew what I wanted to do with my life I had this plan of how long it would take to accomplish it. For a long time there wasnt ever a problem with my need to plan everything but some where along the way I took a serious turn for obsessive compulsive town. My need to plan every little detail began to control my life and when my plans had a bump or a sharp turn I panicked. It was like I couldnt live my life anymore. I had all these thoughts racing through my head about how long it would take to get this done and at what age I should be doing this. I think I always knew the way I was living was wrong but I couldnt admit it, not to me not to anyone. A good friend of mine finally stepped up to the plate and took a risk in telling me the truth. She hit the nail right on the head. I wasnt even living my life because I was planning every detail and then when my plans went ary I went into panic. She asked me when the last time I had a weekend with out plans was, sadly I couldnt even remember. As we talked further we discussed making a bucket list and working through that, just enjoying life day by day. She said dont make goals just write down things you want to do. I thought about the bucket list I had made a month or so ago and realized that most of it was goal oriented. Now dont get me wrong I think it is imperative to set goals for yourself and stick to them, but you have to learn not to get so wrapped up in the goals that you forget to live your life. I have missed out on so much of living because I was planning the date we would start to try having babies or how fast I could finish graduate school. I realize now I just have to let these things happen. When we are ready for kids we are ready, I dont have to plan the date. If I dont finish graduate school in the four semesters because I am working full time as well it is ok. From now on I am learning to be spontaneous and to not analyze every idea that runs through my head and plan it down to the last second. I realize this will take time but this was my wake up call and I feel I am on the right path now.

When?

I have been working on my anxiety issues a lot lately. Listening to books on tape and trying different methods of how to not get anxious over just about anything. I think my anxiety bothers me most because I have never been like this before..but isnt that how it starts for most people? As children we live in this world of nothing bad can ever happen and we arent afraid of anything..mainly because we dont know we are supposed to be. I lived in this world most of my life, I had no fears. But then something happened and it was like over night I suddenly became scared of everything. I keep trying to think of what occurred in my life to cause this to happen and I cant seem to pin point it. I know when it got worse but not when it started. As I listen to my book on tape on dealing with anxiety I long to go back to the carefree spirit I once had where nothing scared me. It seems I dont know how to get back there. At that point in my life nothing had occurred to make me fearful of anything, these days much has occurred to make me fearful. I tell myself I am going to do this, I am not going to be scared and this little voice pops into my head of all the reasons I should be scared and the anxiety starts all over again. I think part of this never ending anxiety is a defense mechanism..if I get scared enough not to do it then I dont have to worry about what might happen if I do do it. But the problem with that is that the outcome may not be bad, it may be good. So essentially I could be missing out on something incredible. I am determined to try and conquer this fear slowly. I will start to be the carefree, go with the flow person I used to love. I must constantly remind myself that this will take time and if I fall down now and then its ok, I just have to get up and try again.

My Bucket List

It seems that there has been a great deal of tragedy in my life these last few years, more than anyone should have to deal with in such a short span of time. Instead of dwelling on it as I feel I have been for the last several years and being scared of the future and what it holds I have decided to jump in full force and begin to accomplish things I have always wanted to do. I have begun the process of making a bucket list, some of these things haven been on my list for a while and others I just add as I think of them. Here goes in no particular order...
1. Run a 5k (I am doing this in August)
2. Get a tattoo
3. Travel to: France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Ireland, and all over the United States with Ryan
4. Camp out West
5.Finish graduate school
6.Run a half marathon
7.Write a book
8.Ride rollercoasters with Ryan(This sounds silly, but I have obtained this irrational fear of riding rollercoasters and I am determined to get over it)
9. Have a family
10. Become a licensed clinical social worker
11. Do mission work locally and internationally
That's all for now, but I have been adding to this weekly so I am sure the list will only continue to grow

If You Knew

I have often thought that if I knew how my life would end up would I change things. If I knew that my grandfather would die unexpectedly followed by the uncle I admired most of my life followed by my other grandfather's unexpected death, would I change things. Would I not be so close to them in hopes of decreasing the pain their deaths would cause or would I be even closer to them still knowing how bad it would hurt. I think I would choose the latter...Although the pain I feel in loosing them is sometimes unbearable I would experience it every day rather than not knowing them at all. It's special to me that I was so close to them, that I carry a piece of each of them with me. I have the passion from all three of them, the work ethic from all three of them, the laughter from all three of them, and the life lessons they taught me growing up. Grandaddy taught me that life can never be taken too seriously. He was in a prison camp and seperated from his family for many many years and growing up I never ever heard him get angry, he was always laughing and making jokes. I sometimes feel that because my pain is so deep these days I loose sight of that. No matter how bad everything is I know that it will get better and I shouldnt let those feelings control today. Abuelo taught me what it means to be a hard worker and to never ever give up. He was one of the hardest working men I know but he also knew that the money he made was meant to share with those he truly cared about. He paid for each and every one of his grandchildren to go to college or at least a portion of it. I hope to some day be able to be this generous with my grandchildren. My uncle gave me the most special gift of all perhaps with out even knowing it, he believed in me. Growing up I struggled with a lot of things, my weight, my school, and he was always there cheering me on. I longed to tell him when I made A's because the look on his face was all I needed to push on to the next accomplishment. I hope to be that inspirational to my niece or nephews some day. So in answer to the often asked question..would you change it if you knew..no I would do it all the same. The pain is nothing in comparison to the thought of not knowing them or not being the person I am today because of them. So I will cry the tears and feel the pain knowing that I live my life for them every day.

Releasing the Burden

Yesterday at church we were challenged to take 25 minutes of our day to spend with God. During this time we should pray for someone who needs forgiveness. It's often easy to pray for yourself but difficult to pray for others, especially when those others have deeply hurt you. Forgiveness isnt always a happy go lucky experience. Sometimes people respond positively and other times negatively. It is important to remember that God forgives us every day even on the days we hurt him the most. Forgiving someone isnt always about mending relationships but about letting the burden go. You are saying I forgive you for hurting me even if you are not sorry. Think of all the weight we could lift off ourselves if we could learn to forgive one another. I think about my own family and the grudges that are held because someone hurt someone else. I think of how different things could be if we all just forgave and let those burdens go. This week I am challenging myself to spend time with God every morning and pray for those in my life I need to forgive. Who can you forgive? What will it change?

Never Satisfied

I have done a lot of reflecting over the last few years and I have come to realize that I am never content. As a child I always wanted to be older, then things would be great because I could do whatever I wanted. As college came I wanted it to be over so I could get married and start my career. As my career started I couldnt wait to finish graduate school so that I could really start my career and eventually start my family. The pain I have endured these last few years have caused me to want to go back to my childhood where life was simple and the world made sense. My heart is truly broken right now and I am not quite sure how to fit all the pieces back together. I have pretended for so long that everything was ok that it is the only thing I know how to do. I am reading a book called Calm Your Anxious Heart. It is all about living your life for God's purpose and to be content. I began to wonder what is my purpose..what is God calling me to do? The truth is I dont know, I havent really listened. I dont believe that makes me a bad person, it just makes me human. So often we get so wrapped up in our to do lists and wish lists that we forget what our true purpose is here on Earth. This weekend I am challenging myself to listen to God and to learn what his purpose is for my life. Once I have discovered what it is I can learn to be content in today and not look to the future for contentment.