In Between

I often feel as if your twenties are an in between age, at least for me they are. You are just starting your career, trying to make a name for yourself, in my circumstances you are just getting married, trying to establish a good foundation for a long marriage, you have a longing to be a mother but know that the timing isnt right. Where is it that you belong? I feel myself being pulled in so many directions and not sure which one is the right path. I am passionate about my career more than I ever imagined and with graduate school right around the corner I am excited at the possibilities that lie ahead of me. But then I wonder what is the right direction for me to take, will I just know. I also have this sense that God is calling me to do work in my community and internationally to use my gifts to help those around me. And at the same time I have this sense of calling to motherhood, to have a sweet baby that is a gift from God and something that has so much of my husband and I all in one. How do you know which way to go? How do you know which to do first? I know I want to finish school and pursue my career longer before we have children but do I pursue the mission work now or later in life? This is such an in between stage for me because the decisions I make the next few years will determine which path my life takes. I believe at this time I must listen very closely to what God wants for my life. Sometimes I think we listen to what we want to hear and not to what God is telling us. I am excited for what my life has in store and for what plan God has for my life.

Happy

Well after some change in my outlook on life and the way I respond to things I can say for the first time in a very very long time I am completely and utterly content with my life. For most of my life, up until about three years ago, I only knew contentment. I was the person who just rolled with the punches. When life threw me a curve ball I learned how to catch it and chalked it up to being part of life. About three years ago my life was seriously shaken and I didnt quite know how to roll with it. Everyone around me was deeply affected by what was happening so I just sucked it up and tried my best to handle it. At the time it was the only way I could cope with the tragedy that engulfed my life. Looking back it created a tragedy all in itself. I was shut off, depressed, anxious, and I didnt know how to feel anything, not love, not happiness, not completely at least. Even after the pain subsided I didnt know how to open back up completely, I was scared of feeling that kind of pain again. I have really been doing a lot of self reflection lately, something I have been avoiding for quite some time; I was fearful of what I might discover. It turns out that what I discovered was not bad at all and it may have saved me from just running through life and not living it. I have learned that although I am very different that I was three years ago that is ok. Sometimes things happen in life that change you, this doesnt have to be a bad thing. I kept trying to get back to that person I was at 15 and maybe I am not supposed to be that person anymore. I think when you are really young you are carefree and silly because there isnt anything to worry about; well in most circumstances. I have grown up a lot since then and my personality changes reflect that. I am learning to embrace these new changes and to work on the changes that have been the after math of fear. I dont want to react to every situation that is thrown at me and although this takes a lot of work I am pushing through it. Things that used to make me freak out I have learned to talk myself through and in the end find out they really werent that big of a deal. Overall I am happy, happier than I have been in such a long time. It is an incredible feeling for me because I never thought I would get back to this point, not at this level anyways. So here's to days full of contentment and living life not just coasting by.

Wake Up

For as long as I can remember I have planned my whole life out, to the very last detail. Once I knew what I wanted to do with my life I had this plan of how long it would take to accomplish it. For a long time there wasnt ever a problem with my need to plan everything but some where along the way I took a serious turn for obsessive compulsive town. My need to plan every little detail began to control my life and when my plans had a bump or a sharp turn I panicked. It was like I couldnt live my life anymore. I had all these thoughts racing through my head about how long it would take to get this done and at what age I should be doing this. I think I always knew the way I was living was wrong but I couldnt admit it, not to me not to anyone. A good friend of mine finally stepped up to the plate and took a risk in telling me the truth. She hit the nail right on the head. I wasnt even living my life because I was planning every detail and then when my plans went ary I went into panic. She asked me when the last time I had a weekend with out plans was, sadly I couldnt even remember. As we talked further we discussed making a bucket list and working through that, just enjoying life day by day. She said dont make goals just write down things you want to do. I thought about the bucket list I had made a month or so ago and realized that most of it was goal oriented. Now dont get me wrong I think it is imperative to set goals for yourself and stick to them, but you have to learn not to get so wrapped up in the goals that you forget to live your life. I have missed out on so much of living because I was planning the date we would start to try having babies or how fast I could finish graduate school. I realize now I just have to let these things happen. When we are ready for kids we are ready, I dont have to plan the date. If I dont finish graduate school in the four semesters because I am working full time as well it is ok. From now on I am learning to be spontaneous and to not analyze every idea that runs through my head and plan it down to the last second. I realize this will take time but this was my wake up call and I feel I am on the right path now.

When?

I have been working on my anxiety issues a lot lately. Listening to books on tape and trying different methods of how to not get anxious over just about anything. I think my anxiety bothers me most because I have never been like this before..but isnt that how it starts for most people? As children we live in this world of nothing bad can ever happen and we arent afraid of anything..mainly because we dont know we are supposed to be. I lived in this world most of my life, I had no fears. But then something happened and it was like over night I suddenly became scared of everything. I keep trying to think of what occurred in my life to cause this to happen and I cant seem to pin point it. I know when it got worse but not when it started. As I listen to my book on tape on dealing with anxiety I long to go back to the carefree spirit I once had where nothing scared me. It seems I dont know how to get back there. At that point in my life nothing had occurred to make me fearful of anything, these days much has occurred to make me fearful. I tell myself I am going to do this, I am not going to be scared and this little voice pops into my head of all the reasons I should be scared and the anxiety starts all over again. I think part of this never ending anxiety is a defense mechanism..if I get scared enough not to do it then I dont have to worry about what might happen if I do do it. But the problem with that is that the outcome may not be bad, it may be good. So essentially I could be missing out on something incredible. I am determined to try and conquer this fear slowly. I will start to be the carefree, go with the flow person I used to love. I must constantly remind myself that this will take time and if I fall down now and then its ok, I just have to get up and try again.

My Bucket List

It seems that there has been a great deal of tragedy in my life these last few years, more than anyone should have to deal with in such a short span of time. Instead of dwelling on it as I feel I have been for the last several years and being scared of the future and what it holds I have decided to jump in full force and begin to accomplish things I have always wanted to do. I have begun the process of making a bucket list, some of these things haven been on my list for a while and others I just add as I think of them. Here goes in no particular order...
1. Run a 5k (I am doing this in August)
2. Get a tattoo
3. Travel to: France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Ireland, and all over the United States with Ryan
4. Camp out West
5.Finish graduate school
6.Run a half marathon
7.Write a book
8.Ride rollercoasters with Ryan(This sounds silly, but I have obtained this irrational fear of riding rollercoasters and I am determined to get over it)
9. Have a family
10. Become a licensed clinical social worker
11. Do mission work locally and internationally
That's all for now, but I have been adding to this weekly so I am sure the list will only continue to grow

If You Knew

I have often thought that if I knew how my life would end up would I change things. If I knew that my grandfather would die unexpectedly followed by the uncle I admired most of my life followed by my other grandfather's unexpected death, would I change things. Would I not be so close to them in hopes of decreasing the pain their deaths would cause or would I be even closer to them still knowing how bad it would hurt. I think I would choose the latter...Although the pain I feel in loosing them is sometimes unbearable I would experience it every day rather than not knowing them at all. It's special to me that I was so close to them, that I carry a piece of each of them with me. I have the passion from all three of them, the work ethic from all three of them, the laughter from all three of them, and the life lessons they taught me growing up. Grandaddy taught me that life can never be taken too seriously. He was in a prison camp and seperated from his family for many many years and growing up I never ever heard him get angry, he was always laughing and making jokes. I sometimes feel that because my pain is so deep these days I loose sight of that. No matter how bad everything is I know that it will get better and I shouldnt let those feelings control today. Abuelo taught me what it means to be a hard worker and to never ever give up. He was one of the hardest working men I know but he also knew that the money he made was meant to share with those he truly cared about. He paid for each and every one of his grandchildren to go to college or at least a portion of it. I hope to some day be able to be this generous with my grandchildren. My uncle gave me the most special gift of all perhaps with out even knowing it, he believed in me. Growing up I struggled with a lot of things, my weight, my school, and he was always there cheering me on. I longed to tell him when I made A's because the look on his face was all I needed to push on to the next accomplishment. I hope to be that inspirational to my niece or nephews some day. So in answer to the often asked question..would you change it if you knew..no I would do it all the same. The pain is nothing in comparison to the thought of not knowing them or not being the person I am today because of them. So I will cry the tears and feel the pain knowing that I live my life for them every day.

Releasing the Burden

Yesterday at church we were challenged to take 25 minutes of our day to spend with God. During this time we should pray for someone who needs forgiveness. It's often easy to pray for yourself but difficult to pray for others, especially when those others have deeply hurt you. Forgiveness isnt always a happy go lucky experience. Sometimes people respond positively and other times negatively. It is important to remember that God forgives us every day even on the days we hurt him the most. Forgiving someone isnt always about mending relationships but about letting the burden go. You are saying I forgive you for hurting me even if you are not sorry. Think of all the weight we could lift off ourselves if we could learn to forgive one another. I think about my own family and the grudges that are held because someone hurt someone else. I think of how different things could be if we all just forgave and let those burdens go. This week I am challenging myself to spend time with God every morning and pray for those in my life I need to forgive. Who can you forgive? What will it change?

Never Satisfied

I have done a lot of reflecting over the last few years and I have come to realize that I am never content. As a child I always wanted to be older, then things would be great because I could do whatever I wanted. As college came I wanted it to be over so I could get married and start my career. As my career started I couldnt wait to finish graduate school so that I could really start my career and eventually start my family. The pain I have endured these last few years have caused me to want to go back to my childhood where life was simple and the world made sense. My heart is truly broken right now and I am not quite sure how to fit all the pieces back together. I have pretended for so long that everything was ok that it is the only thing I know how to do. I am reading a book called Calm Your Anxious Heart. It is all about living your life for God's purpose and to be content. I began to wonder what is my purpose..what is God calling me to do? The truth is I dont know, I havent really listened. I dont believe that makes me a bad person, it just makes me human. So often we get so wrapped up in our to do lists and wish lists that we forget what our true purpose is here on Earth. This weekend I am challenging myself to listen to God and to learn what his purpose is for my life. Once I have discovered what it is I can learn to be content in today and not look to the future for contentment.

Suffering

As the Easter holiday has come and I gone I cant help but think of the pain and suffering Jesus endured for us. Good Friday has always been an emotional day for me in thinking of what happened and Easter always comes as a day of rejoice. The past few years have been difficult ones for me and for my family. Things happened that we could have never foreseen, hearts were broken, tears cried. This Easter especially I began to think of what Jesus endured, as the song states, to take away the sins of the world. At church Friday I was reminded of something..God wont relent until he has us all. I consider myself a strong Christian, a women of faith so to speak, but as a strong women and person in general it is sometimes difficult to let go of your burdens and just give them to God. I have a lot of burdens, a lot of sorrow, and I hold onto a great deal of it. It weighs me down more than it should, it dampens my spirit, and doesn't allow me to worship God and the life he wants me to live in the way I should. This weekend I did something I should have done a very long time ago...I let it go. I felt a peace wash over me as if God were saying it is going to be ok, I am here to walk with you. I feel the excitement and joy I once had about life. God has given me a passion and a gift to help those around me and if I haven't helped myself how can I expect myself to help others. I now feel I can help others in the way God wants me to. I am excited to see where this new spiritual path takes me. I am ready to help those around me in God's name. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross and for rising from the grave! Sometimes we need a reminder of the pain you endured to know that we don't have to hold onto our sorrows and pain, you can take that away from us.

Life Is Good

Wow! I feel like so much has happened in the last week. Both Ryan and I accepted jobs and are set to start this coming week. I am so excited about what the future has in store for us. Through Ryan's new job I believe we have begun a spiritual journey that I have been seeking for us for quite some time. Finding a church home is a difficult thing to do, but for me it was necessary in starting our life together on the right foot. I have grown so much spiritually these last few years and church was something that had become important to me in a way it never was before. By God's grace the church Ryan landed the job at has been exactly what we have been looking for in a church. I know that great things are going to come of this. I too accepted a position and I start on Tuesday. I am so excited to have landed a position doing what I want to. I really enjoy working with the elderly and this is the perfect stepping stone into a therapy position with this population. Since I put my notice in at my previous job I decided it was time to do things for me instead of for everyone else. This is something I have struggled with since I was a child. I always put everyone else before me, and although this is an endearing quality I believe there is a fine line between not respecting yourself enough to put yourself first and being too selfish and putting yourself first. Over the last week I have really come to terms with what I want out of life. I have finally been able to organize our house and start to work on decorating and completing the house room by room. This has been liberating for me as I have wanted to do this since we moved in but could never seem to find the time. I am learning that you make time for the things that are important. I have completed the office and am now moving on to our bedroom. Doing it room by room helps me to be less overwhelmed. This way little by little the house will be completed. I have also gotten back into my healthy eating and work out routine. Up until the wedding I was eating healthy and working out everyday and it felt great! Unfortunately for me after the wedding we went on a cruise and then returned to all of the holidays. Packing the pounds on was not only easy but inevitable. After about a month of on again off again I am finally back into a routine and I must say it feels great! I have made goals for myself as I progress. I read in my health magazine that you should set rewards that don't involve food. As obvious as that sounds I used to reward myself with a cookie or going out to eat not even thinking of what I was doing. So this time around I have rewarded myself with things like work out clothes and a bathing suit. I am excited to see where this new journey takes me! I am happier than I have been in a long time and it feels incredible!

Change although Scary isnt always bad

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote. I have been married now for almost four months. It is hard to believe how fast the time has flown by. November although very stressful for me ended with the most incredible event in my life thus far. I married the love of my life and my best friend. Our ceremony symbolized everything our relationship stands for. It was simple yet meaningful, and we were surrounded by all those that are important to us. I think we thought that getting married wouldn't change anything because we have been together for so long, but we were very wrong. It has made me complete in a way that I could never have imagined. There are seldom times when I feel that my choices or my actions are 100 percent correct, but marrying Ryan is the best decision I have ever made.

I also have begun the adventure of starting my career. I accepted the first position I was offered after graduation. It was for a mental health tech at a juvenile delinquent residential facility. As much as I loved it there and the boys I was working with I wasnt getting the professional experience that I needed to advance in my career. I put my notice in and began looking for another job. Today I am going on my second interview with AAA, no not the car company. AAA is the area on aging agency. Their primary goal is to link the elderly and disabled to resources to prevent them from premature nursing home institutionalization and to better their lives overall. I am really excited about this position and the potential it brings to my future. Although I assumed graduating from college would be exhilarating I never imagined how terrifying it would be. For the first time in my life I am completely and utterly on my own. The choices I make effect my life and what kind of future I will have. Although I know that I want to help people and eventually be a therapist it is very difficult to find an entry level job that you love and will be something you love after you complete graduate school. Since graduating I have learned that it is ok to try new things, and its ok if you dont like them. Sometimes I forget that is why I loved this profession so much, it has such a broad range of populations that I have the ability to pick and chose who I work with and know if I dont love it then I can move on to another population to find where I am truly passionate.
Thats all for today......

Sometimes you just have to trust him

As yesterday passed I guess I some how expected by pain to be put behind me. As if the year marker would make all the hurt go away. While yesterday there were no triggers today was not so forunate. A year from yesterday my dear sweet uncle gave up his long fought battle with cancer and although I am so thankful he is no longer in all the pain my pain still seems to be very present. Coming six short months after my grandfathers unexpected death I was still very much in shock when we learned he would not have much longer. I was there everyday that week and as long and as tiring as the week was, it was special because I was there with him every day until he was ready to go. I remember that last night we went home late and I slept a very light sleep until the phone rang and I knew. I drove across town early that morning to be with my cousins, aunt, and to say a last farewell to by uncle. I dont like to say I have a favorite aunt or uncle but as my only uncle on my mom's side I feel it is fair to say he was and will always be my favorite. I miss his phone calls and his always caring and comforting concern about how I was doing in school. He knew how much harder school was for me than for my brother and sister but he never made me feel bad about it, he just wanted me to do the best I could. I only wish he could have been there this Christmas so I could tell him I was a grade away from straight A's something that has not happened since elementary school. As much as I wish he was still here I thank God for taking him when he did, you see we didnt think he was going to make it when he was first diagnosed with the cancer and he made it a miraculous six years after that diagnosis. Six years I had with him that I could not have had. Six years he was able to see grandkids be born and grow. Six years he was able to see me fall in love and get to know the man I will soon call my husband, my family. As I have finally been able to let these feelings resurface I hope that I can soon find peace with losing such an incredible man that I was fortunate enough to call my uncle for twenty years of my life. I hope I make you proud and will continue to for the rest of my life. I love you so much and miss you everyday!
p.s. you have a beautiful granddaughter whose smile lights up the room, something we all need

2009

Normally when the New Year rolls in my resolution is always to lose weight as normally by this time I have put on some extra weight and want to start a healthier way about myself, plus I have always had weight issues so it just seemed like the obvious thing. This year however I was already two weeks plus into a very dedicated way of eating healthy and exercising so there was no need to make this a resolution because my new way of eating and exercising was already very much a part of my daily routine and I was and still am loving it. So I thought about some other things I struggle with and the other big one was finances. I have never been much of a saver even as a kid I would spend my money just to spend it, even if I didnt find something that I really really loved. So this year I have decided to spend on more of a need basis than a want basis. I need to keep track of my finances so that I dont overdraft from the trusty savings account and put the many dollars that I owe back to my savings account. This is something I have wanted to do for a very long time and while sometime it sticks it always stops. I want to get this down because in December when I will for the first time have a career not a 7.00/hr part time job I want to know how to save my money and not go through an entire paycheck all at once. So today I embark on my journey of saving and being more conscious of what and where I spend my money. To a bigger savings account and a better feeling about my money instead of a sense of panick between my paychecks!

It's Time for a New Year

2008 was definitely a trying year, one that at times I wasnt sure I would make it through. I lost people that I never thought I would, not this early anyways. As 2009 comes I want to put the bad behind me and remember all the good as I know 2009 is going to be a year of accomplishments, new dreams, and finally the year I will start my new life with Ryan. Tonight as midnight hits, I know that all the sadness and heartbreak of 2008 are behind me and although there could be more in the new year I know that I can handle it and that Ryan will be there with me every step of the way. Tonight I will raise my glass and toast to putting the bad in the past, where it belongs, and remembering the good as we move into another year. I hope this new years finds all of you happy and with great health and may God bless you:)

Remembering

Maybe it’s much too early in the gameAh, but I thought I’d ask you just the sameWhat are you doing New Year’sNew Year’s Eve? Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tightWhen it’s exactly twelve o’clock that nightWelcoming in the New YearNew Year’s EveMaybe I’m crazy to supposeI’d ever be the one you choseOut of a thousand invitationsYou’d receiveAh, but in case I stand one little chanceHere comes the jackpot question in advanceWhat are you doing New Year’sNew Year’s Eve?Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tightWhen it’s exactly twelve o’clock that nightWelcoming in the New YearNew Year’s EveWhat are you doing New Year’s Eve?

Every Christmas they play this song and a flood of emotions come to me. My grandmother used to sing this song to me every year. My brother and I used to spend every new years eve at my grandparents. I have these vivid memories of her in the kitchen cooking and singing what are you doing this new years eve, why dont you come spend it with me. Her own variation of the song. It was always so beautiful to me and it is one of the many memories I have of her. When I hear it its like she is looking down on me, telling me its ok. I miss her very much especially during the holidays and the song has always brought some sense of peace to me. When New years eve rolls around I will be thinking of her and know she is and always will be looking down on me until we meet again.

Just One of Those Days..

Some days I get in these weird moods and I dont know why or how to change them. I get agitated about minor things and I just feel really aggravated. I dont like being like this and usually it leads to fights that are not necessary. Im sure it is just hormones but I really hate it and it makes me feel like I have no control over my body. I usually try and do things to distract myself like watch tv or read. I thought maybe writting about it might bring some therapy. I think it is a combination of stress or worry and hormones. Due to Christmas I have no money right now and wont until next Friday. Fortunately I have all my gifts, but it still stresses me out and it is just another thing that I can't control. I know next year I will finally have a "real"job meaning I will be on salary with benefits and making a whole lot more than seven dollars an hour and I just keep holding on to that because I know life will be much easier, but sometimes in these moods I get hung up on things. Im praying to find some peace tonight and just enjoy this time with family and remember those we are missing during this time. I put my faith in God and know he will take care of me and those around me.

Maybe

Maybe I wasn’t ready for you to go.
Maybe I still had so much to show.
Maybe I love you wasn’t said enough.
Maybe there wasn’t enough time.
Maybe I wasn’t ready to say good-bye.
Maybe I wanted to walk across the stage.
Maybe I wanted you to see it and say GREAT!
Maybe I wanted to make you proud.
Maybe I wanted you to say wow!
Maybe your life ended too soon.
Maybe it just isn’t fair.
Maybe I want you to be there.
Maybe I wish I could have been there more.
Maybe it was you that I adored.
Maybe I loved you so much.
Maybe I wish you were here to touch.
Maybe I have to let you go.
Maybe I am just not ready to do so.

Christmas

Christmas is very exciting this year! This is Ryan and I's first Christmas in our house and together instead of splitting up and going to our own families separately. This year we will celebrate Christmas morning together and then go to our parents together. I am more excited about that, than any of the gifts. It is exciting to me to be starting our own traditions as well as partaking in those that our families have set for us. I still put my tree up the day after Thanksgiving just as my mom as done every year. I remember doing this as a child, I usually got ornament boxes down or handed her the limbs for the fake tree in the family room, but it was always fun listening to Christmas music and watching the tree take form. Im not sure what kind of new traditions Ryan and I will start, but I dont think traditions are something you plan out, I think they just happen. I can't wait to have our own traditions and pass them on to our future children and then look back several years and know that we will always do these things and perhaps our kids will pass them on to their families. It is a very exciting time! I am excited that this time next year I will be celebrating Christmas with a new name, a family of my own, being married to my best friend, and starting my very first career after college:)

FREEDOM

So, about a week and a half ago I could not wait for school to be out and have an entire month off. Now I am ready to go back, Im sure two weeks into January I will be cursing myself for this. I have never been one who can just relax, I always have to be moving. In the morning of a day with no plans I usually get dressed and just head out with no idea of where I am going. I think my reasoning for wanting school to start is more because I know how close I am to being done. I have to more semesters left in the program, so I am very anxious to finally start my career. In the mean time I have started to read again, something other than social work textbooks and it makes me so happy. I know not everyone likes to read but it is always something I have loved, since I was a little girl. I dont always have the time I would like so summers and christmas breaks have always been my chance to catch up. This summer I wont have much time since Im taking several classes, so I hope to read a lot over the next month. I have some how finished my Christmas shopping, so with no stressors I will read all that I can:)

It's TIME

Wow, so today is our engagement party and I have never been more excited!!! Ryan and I have been engaged for over a year now and this is the first time that the wedding is real. In a month I will be trying on wedding dresses and when I think about that it is sureal, I AM GETTING MARRIED!!! I have never been more excited or more sure of anything in my life. Ryan and I have been together for over six years now and I truly can't wait to call myself his wife. We are a perfect team, he teaches me something new everyday and he is always trying to make me a better person. We better each other and I think that is something we will continue to do the rest of our lives. Tonight is the start of our wedding planning. Our families are meeting, some for the first time, and that is so important to me. There is nothing more important to me than family and I love both my new family and my originiating family and cant wait for them to meet each other. I know this time is going to fly by so I am trying my best to enjoy every seccond of it and cherrish it.