In Between

I often feel as if your twenties are an in between age, at least for me they are. You are just starting your career, trying to make a name for yourself, in my circumstances you are just getting married, trying to establish a good foundation for a long marriage, you have a longing to be a mother but know that the timing isnt right. Where is it that you belong? I feel myself being pulled in so many directions and not sure which one is the right path. I am passionate about my career more than I ever imagined and with graduate school right around the corner I am excited at the possibilities that lie ahead of me. But then I wonder what is the right direction for me to take, will I just know. I also have this sense that God is calling me to do work in my community and internationally to use my gifts to help those around me. And at the same time I have this sense of calling to motherhood, to have a sweet baby that is a gift from God and something that has so much of my husband and I all in one. How do you know which way to go? How do you know which to do first? I know I want to finish school and pursue my career longer before we have children but do I pursue the mission work now or later in life? This is such an in between stage for me because the decisions I make the next few years will determine which path my life takes. I believe at this time I must listen very closely to what God wants for my life. Sometimes I think we listen to what we want to hear and not to what God is telling us. I am excited for what my life has in store and for what plan God has for my life.

Happy

Well after some change in my outlook on life and the way I respond to things I can say for the first time in a very very long time I am completely and utterly content with my life. For most of my life, up until about three years ago, I only knew contentment. I was the person who just rolled with the punches. When life threw me a curve ball I learned how to catch it and chalked it up to being part of life. About three years ago my life was seriously shaken and I didnt quite know how to roll with it. Everyone around me was deeply affected by what was happening so I just sucked it up and tried my best to handle it. At the time it was the only way I could cope with the tragedy that engulfed my life. Looking back it created a tragedy all in itself. I was shut off, depressed, anxious, and I didnt know how to feel anything, not love, not happiness, not completely at least. Even after the pain subsided I didnt know how to open back up completely, I was scared of feeling that kind of pain again. I have really been doing a lot of self reflection lately, something I have been avoiding for quite some time; I was fearful of what I might discover. It turns out that what I discovered was not bad at all and it may have saved me from just running through life and not living it. I have learned that although I am very different that I was three years ago that is ok. Sometimes things happen in life that change you, this doesnt have to be a bad thing. I kept trying to get back to that person I was at 15 and maybe I am not supposed to be that person anymore. I think when you are really young you are carefree and silly because there isnt anything to worry about; well in most circumstances. I have grown up a lot since then and my personality changes reflect that. I am learning to embrace these new changes and to work on the changes that have been the after math of fear. I dont want to react to every situation that is thrown at me and although this takes a lot of work I am pushing through it. Things that used to make me freak out I have learned to talk myself through and in the end find out they really werent that big of a deal. Overall I am happy, happier than I have been in such a long time. It is an incredible feeling for me because I never thought I would get back to this point, not at this level anyways. So here's to days full of contentment and living life not just coasting by.

Wake Up

For as long as I can remember I have planned my whole life out, to the very last detail. Once I knew what I wanted to do with my life I had this plan of how long it would take to accomplish it. For a long time there wasnt ever a problem with my need to plan everything but some where along the way I took a serious turn for obsessive compulsive town. My need to plan every little detail began to control my life and when my plans had a bump or a sharp turn I panicked. It was like I couldnt live my life anymore. I had all these thoughts racing through my head about how long it would take to get this done and at what age I should be doing this. I think I always knew the way I was living was wrong but I couldnt admit it, not to me not to anyone. A good friend of mine finally stepped up to the plate and took a risk in telling me the truth. She hit the nail right on the head. I wasnt even living my life because I was planning every detail and then when my plans went ary I went into panic. She asked me when the last time I had a weekend with out plans was, sadly I couldnt even remember. As we talked further we discussed making a bucket list and working through that, just enjoying life day by day. She said dont make goals just write down things you want to do. I thought about the bucket list I had made a month or so ago and realized that most of it was goal oriented. Now dont get me wrong I think it is imperative to set goals for yourself and stick to them, but you have to learn not to get so wrapped up in the goals that you forget to live your life. I have missed out on so much of living because I was planning the date we would start to try having babies or how fast I could finish graduate school. I realize now I just have to let these things happen. When we are ready for kids we are ready, I dont have to plan the date. If I dont finish graduate school in the four semesters because I am working full time as well it is ok. From now on I am learning to be spontaneous and to not analyze every idea that runs through my head and plan it down to the last second. I realize this will take time but this was my wake up call and I feel I am on the right path now.

When?

I have been working on my anxiety issues a lot lately. Listening to books on tape and trying different methods of how to not get anxious over just about anything. I think my anxiety bothers me most because I have never been like this before..but isnt that how it starts for most people? As children we live in this world of nothing bad can ever happen and we arent afraid of anything..mainly because we dont know we are supposed to be. I lived in this world most of my life, I had no fears. But then something happened and it was like over night I suddenly became scared of everything. I keep trying to think of what occurred in my life to cause this to happen and I cant seem to pin point it. I know when it got worse but not when it started. As I listen to my book on tape on dealing with anxiety I long to go back to the carefree spirit I once had where nothing scared me. It seems I dont know how to get back there. At that point in my life nothing had occurred to make me fearful of anything, these days much has occurred to make me fearful. I tell myself I am going to do this, I am not going to be scared and this little voice pops into my head of all the reasons I should be scared and the anxiety starts all over again. I think part of this never ending anxiety is a defense mechanism..if I get scared enough not to do it then I dont have to worry about what might happen if I do do it. But the problem with that is that the outcome may not be bad, it may be good. So essentially I could be missing out on something incredible. I am determined to try and conquer this fear slowly. I will start to be the carefree, go with the flow person I used to love. I must constantly remind myself that this will take time and if I fall down now and then its ok, I just have to get up and try again.